Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
