I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The air was thick with penises
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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