Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
