the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
