there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
