That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
