apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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