Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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