I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Dignity is for republicans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize