New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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