Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
