Sorry, I don't speak sober.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
