Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
