and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
