i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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