My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
