I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
