No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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