so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
worst night to have a conscience
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
