I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
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Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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