i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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