You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
