Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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