I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
