Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize