Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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