New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My feet surprised me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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