the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
