it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
