Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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