After last night, I could never be a politician.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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