Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
