Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
