1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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