I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
