Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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