I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
