So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
