Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
