Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
