I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
