Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
