Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
