i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
