I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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