He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
