Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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