I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
