Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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