party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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