so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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