Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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