you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
