That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
