I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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